Some journeys begin with a destination. Others begin with the decision to leave.
She had made that decision.
Watch Me
Leave. Breathe. Begin.
The road was almost empty. White lines disappeared beneath the bonnet one after another, carrying her further from the place she had spent so long convincing herself was home. The clock on the dashboard read 02:17. She had been driving for nearly three hours, although she couldn't remember making the decision to come this far. Perhaps that was the point.
There had been no dramatic goodbye. No slammed door, no final argument, no single revelation thathad suddenly made everything clear. It had been smaller than that, and somehow more difficult. It had been all the little things. The conversations she had stopped having. The questions she had stopped asking. The growing sense that she was becoming someone she didn't recognise, while becoming increasingly unsure whether the person she had once been was still there at all.
She had loved him. At least, she thought she had. Perhaps that was what made leaving so difficult.
If someone had been cruel, if there had been some unforgivable act she could point towards, then perhaps the decision would have been easier to understand. But there was nothing so simple to blame. He had simply wanted a life that was becoming increasingly different from hers, and somewhere along the way she had become very good at pretending that didn't matter.
The thought came back to her as it had several times during the journey. He thinks I've something to hide. Perhaps she did. There were things she had never told him, although she wasn't entirely sure why. Some things were difficult to explain when you didn't understand them yourself. Other things had seemed easier left unsaid.
She had become good at knowing what other people wanted. She wasn't nearly so certain about what she wanted from herself.
The road climbed gradually into the hills, the darkness beyond the headlights almost complete. For the first time that night, she wasn't trying to think. She simply drove.
Eventually she pulled into a small lay-by and switched off the engine, and she sat for a while with both hands resting loosely in her lap, staring through the windscreen. There was nothing to see except darkness, a faint suggestion of hills and the occasional movement of branches against the sky.
She got out of the car. Somewhere nearby she could hear water moving over stones. She followed the sound for a little way until the trees opened out.
Below her, the valley disappeared into the darkness. She stood there without thinking about what she should do next. Nobody was asking anything of her. Nobody needed an answer. Nobody was telling her who she was supposed to be.
For the first time in longer than she cared to admit, there was nothing she had to perform.
She was simply standing there.
Valerie. Nothing more. Nothing less.
The thought made her smile, although she wasn't entirely sure why.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She already knew who it would be. For a moment she considered answering. Then she put the phone away. A second call came, then another. Eventually she switched it off.
The silence that followed felt different.
Not empty.
Free.
She stayed there until the darkness began to soften and the first suggestion of morning appeared beyond the hills. She still didn't know what came next. Perhaps that was what frightened her. Or perhaps it was the reason she finally felt able to breathe. Behind her was everything she had once believed she needed. Ahead was nothing she could name. For the first time, that didn't frighten her.
She returned to the car and sat behind the wheel. The engine started reluctantly. She looked once towards the road behind her, then turned towards the morning. Somewhere between the darkness she was leaving behind and whatever waited beyond it, something inside her had begun to loosen.
She breathed in.
Then she breathed out.
And she drove.
Leave. Breathe. Begin.